Working with Perfection & Judgement
Habitual striving, perfectionism, and judging are the root cause of much suffering. In my life and meditation practice, these habits have been significant obstacles preventing me from realizing the abundant joy and freedom we are all worthy of receiving. Yet, ironically, these are also the same propensities that drove me to seek an answer to my suffering, find a meditation teacher, and ultimately find my passion and purpose in life.
In meditation, I am more comfortable with structured practices because of my perfectionistic tendencies. I easily find myself striving for a particular state, trying to achieve some goal, and/or judging myself for how well I am accomplishing said task. One of my teachers, Tara Brach, talks about "playing our edge," which means leaning into discomfort while maintaining a sense of safety. By playing my edge with more fluidity and flexibility in my practice, I can create more space for presence, awareness, and compassion. As I continue to practice in this way, I notice less gripping and grasping around the judgements. The thoughts, feelings, and unpleasant emotions are still present; however, I feel less need to control them. There is also more ease in bearing witness to unpleasantness and more gentleness in coming back to the breath.
As a recovering perfectionist, my mind tends to be very judgmental. I've found the key to working with judgements is treating them like any other thought. Experience has taught me that the harder I try not to judge, the more I judge myself for having judgmental thoughts. If you have ever listened to a guided meditation or heard a meditation teacher say, "let go of judgements," and found it triggering, you may find the practice of R.A.I.N helpful (see below for example). The intention behind this statement is to let go or release attachment to the judgemental thought. However, without the wisdom or tools to practice non-attachment, words like "let go" can lead to more judgement and feelings of defeat and failure.
When it comes to working with judgements, this practice of R.A.I.N is very effective in processing the thought fully so that letting go feels more accessible. Here is a quick example for using R.A.I.N with a judgemental thought:
Recognize - Start by mentally noting "judging."
Accept - You might say to yourself, "this belongs," "all is welcome," or "it's ok." Feel free to play around with phrases and mantras that invoke a feeling of acceptance. Our judgemental thoughts have a purpose, even if the contents of the thought are not based in reality. It's important to note that we practice accepting the embodied experience we are currently having (thoughts, emotions, physical sensations). We are not accepting or condoning disrespect, harm, or abuse.
Investigate - You can ask yourself, "What do I need? What feeling or emotion is behind this judgment?" Fear is a strong emotion that can often trigger judgement.
Nurture - Last and probably most importantly, send yourself compassion in a way that feels most appropriate and accessible in the moment.
If you are interested in working more deeply with R.A.I.N, I invite you to check out Meditation Mentoring.