Loving Yourself “No Part Left Out”

It's easy to love the likable parts of ourselves, but what about the parts we don't like? How do we learn to love "those" parts, the parts we'd rather do without, the parts we want to hide from the world? Learning to love ourselves "no part left out" means learning to love all parts, even those we don't like. In the process of integrating all aspects of ourselves, we unlearn our way back to our true nature of divine love and limitless abundance. 

When I think about why it's important to love ourselves "no part left out," I am reminded of a story Tara Brach told in my mindfulness teaching certification program. When we deny part of ourselves love, it's like living in a house with a baby. If the baby is happy, giggly, and smiling, of course, it's easy to love, but what if that baby never stopped screaming and crying? It's a lot harder to love. The parts of ourselves that we don't like are like that screaming, crying baby. Even if we put that baby in another room where we couldn't hear the screams and cries, we would still know the baby was there. When we deny parts of ourselves love, subconsciously, we know that part is still there. 

So what do we do with the screaming, crying baby? How do we love those parts of ourselves that we'd rather lock away and forget?

The simple answer is that we acknowledge that they exist, accept them, and send them love and compassion. Oftentimes, we confuse simple with easy. This process IS simple; however, it is not always easy. It is also not a one-and-done kind of deal. Just like a baby, we can get the crying to stop for a while, and then they will start again. The process of loving the parts of ourselves we don't like often takes many repetitions. We don't usually wake up one day and decide not to like something about ourselves; therefore, it is unlikely that we will wake up one day and decide to love that part. The things we don't like about ourselves are usually deeply ingrained from childhood, societal or cultural conditioning. 

From a neuroscience perspective, these beliefs about ourselves are strong neural pathways, much like a road that has been traveled many times. In order to change these beliefs, we must create new neural pathways, which takes time and repetition. Our subconscious will always take the path of least resistance or the road most traveled unless we make a conscious effort to take a different path. The more we choose a different path, aka a different thought, the easier it becomes for the subconscious to travel that new road. 

We can do this through mindfulness, meditation, and mantras (also known as affirmations). 

For a large part of my life, I have struggled with severe self-hatred, dislike of myself on a massive scale. Even after years of working on self-love, I still use the trifecta of mindfulness, meditation, and mantras to acknowledge, accept, and have compassion for myself, especially when my inner-mean girl takes the front stage. When I start thinking, "I thought I was past this," or tell myself, "I should be over this," I know I'm denying part of myself love and compassion. 

Like many women and girls, I have struggled with my weight. When I'm at what I consider an "acceptable" weight, it's easy to love that part of myself, AND it's easy to believe that I am past attaching my worthiness to my weight. This is a belief I acquired from a mother who suffered from disordered eating, American diet culture, and a society obsessed with the female body. However, our bodies are constantly changing, responding, and adapting. Cognitively, I know it is unreasonable to expect my weight to remain constant, but knowing something and embodying that knowledge are two very different things. So, when my weight starts to fluctuate, I begin to feel uncomfortable in my body, the negative thoughts start to resurface, and loving that part of myself becomes challenging. There have been times where I would rather hide away than accept myself at a higher weight. 

Before I began doing the inner-work of self-reflection, mindfulness, and self-love, the self-hatred of my weight was so intense that I developed two eating disorders. In high school, I struggled with anorexia. In college, I struggled with bulimia. These were both times when everything in my life felt so out of control, and I felt so unloved and lonely that I resorted to controlling my food intake and weight through self-hatred. 

Because the belief that my worth is attached to my weight is so deeply ingrained, there are still times when life circumstances trigger this belief. The difference is now I have the tools to work through it in a healthier way. I am still working on making that new neural pathway stronger so that it eventually becomes my default. I do this by paying attention to my thoughts with loving-kindness through mindfulness, setting aside time to connect with myself through meditation, and replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmations, also known as mantras.

Our thoughts create our reality. When we work to pay attention to our thoughts and make the choice to change them, we can change our reality. Most of our thoughts are subconscious, so it is crucial to become aware of the nature of our thoughts. We cannot heal what we are not aware of.

Practical Steps for Loving Yourself “No Part Left Out”

Acknowledge: 

What is something you dislike about yourself? Pick one thing that feels relevant to where you are in your life right now. 

By acknowledging what we dislike about ourselves in a space of non-judgemental kind awareness, we can begin the process of healing.

Accept: 

What does it feel like to dislike this part of yourself? Name the thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations in your body that come up when you sit with this feeling of dislike.

By allowing ourselves to experience all the associated thoughts, feelings, and sensations, we give ourselves space to accept our present moment experience. Acceptance allows us to heal at an embodied level. An embodied approach to healing differs from a cognitive approach. A cognitive approach only focuses on the thoughts and related behaviors; whereas, an embodied approach focuses on our whole being physically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually. 

We cannot think our way into healing; we have to feel it to heal it!

Alternative Action: 

Send compassion to this part of yourself with a positive affirmation. 

Complete the sentence to capture your limiting belief:

"If this were not a part of me/ If I didn't have this, I would be/gain ______." 

Ex. "If I didn't have this weight gain, I would be more worthy of love and attention."

By becoming aware of the limiting beliefs associated with the parts of ourselves we dislike, we can create mantras that align with what we need most. You can think of this process as similar to treating a bacterial infection. A doctor may prescribe a broad-spectrum antibiotic if you get sick, similar to using a nonspecific positive affirmation. It will most likely help but may not target the specific bacteria, or in this case, the limiting belief that you are currently working with. Identifying the particular limiting belief is like sending a culture out to a lab to determine which medicine will most effectively treat the bacteria. 

Use the sentence you completed above to help you create a personalized mantra. 

Ex. "I am worthy of love."

Repeat this mantra to yourself as soon as you wake up in the morning and whenever you notice thoughts of dislike, self-hatred, or negative self-talk.

Research on Meditation, Mantra, Neuroplasticity, and Negative Thinking

Berkovich-Ohana, A.,  Wilf, M.,  Kahana, R.,  Arieli, A.,  Malach, R.,  Repetitive speech elicits widespread deactivation in the human cortex: the “Mantra” effect?, Brain and Behavior,  2015;  5( 7), e00346, doi: 10.1002/brb3.346

Laukkonen RE, Slagter HA. From many to (n)one: Meditation and the plasticity of the predictive mind. Neurosci Biobehav Rev. 2021 Sep;128:199-217. doi: 10.1016/j.neubiorev.2021.06.021. Epub 2021 Jun 14. PMID: 34139248.

Schlosser, M., Jones, R., Demnitz-King, H. et al. Meditation experience is associated with lower levels of repetitive negative thinking: The key role of self-compassion. Curr Psychol(2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-020-00839-5

Simon, R., Pihlsgård, J., Berglind, U. et al. Mantra Meditation Suppression of Default Mode Beyond an Active Task: a Pilot Study. J Cogn Enhanc 1, 219–227 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1007/s41465-017-0028-1

If you're interested in learning more about these practices and how they can benefit you or if you want to deepen your current practice, I invite you to check out my services page.