Unlearning My Way Back to Self-Love
One of the things people want most in life is to be loved. After all, we are social creatures wired for connection. So, why is it that many of us find it easier to give than receive? Why do some of us extend our love and care to others with ease yet cannot bear the thought of loving ourselves?
I ask these questions because I am one of those people. For most of my life, taking care of others came naturally to me, yet taking care of myself seemed like an impossibly daunting task. I thought I was being open and vulnerable in my relationships, only to be left feeling rejected and abandoned, wondering what was wrong with me. I longed for connection personally and professionally. I wanted to help others, but how could I do that if I couldn't connect. Through my experience with unsatisfying and unfulfilled relationships, I came to realize that if I wanted deep, meaningful relationships, and to help others heal, I had to learn how to connect, receive, and be loved.
What I've learned so far on my journey is that the most important relationship we will ever have is with ourselves. No matter how we grew up, what our relationships have looked like, we can always learn to love ourselves because love is our true nature. The question becomes how do we learn to love ourselves if we were never taught. I spent a long time contemplating this question and discussing it with my therapist at the time. I knew I had to learn to love and take care of myself first if I wanted to be successful personally and professionally. The problem was I kept getting stuck on the belief that I just didn't know how; "How do I love and care for myself if I have no idea what that even looks like?" would run on repeat in my mind like a bad song you can't get out of your head.
Education and knowledge have always been my safe haven. Even from a young age, when life became chaotic and, in my world, often traumatic, I resorted to learning. Learning was safe, stable, and something I could control. So when I became frustrated with my perceived inability to love and care for myself, I turned to the one thing that had always got me through the darkest times, learning. I read self-help books, researched, and studied people who seemed to have a high level of self-love. I looked for common themes; "What did they have that I didn't? What was I missing?" All the knowledge, reading, and studying, and I didn't feel like I was any closer to being able to love and care for myself.
At some point, we must put what we learn into action. After all, loving and caring are not the things we know in our mind; they are the things we do from our heart. We can't think our way into healing. So, I started trying different things that I read help to rewire the brain for love and care. I practiced repeating positive affirmations, replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk, and dialoguing with my inner child. Eventually, I started listening to guided meditations and binaural beats, which use sound and frequency to affect brain waves with the potential to affect cognition and your mood state. Progress felt slow, oftentimes frustratingly slow! However, I was seeing progress and was learning to appreciate the steps forward no matter how small they seemed. Over time, I also began to realize that progress is not linear. Some days it was (and still is) easier to love and care for myself than others, and that's both normal and ok!
As my self-care practice grew and my self-love along with it, I eventually came to a point where the answers to questions I had could not be found in books or through Google search. At this point on my journey, meditation had become one of my main access points to self-love; through dedicating time to truly connect with myself, learn about myself, my needs, desires, fears, all of it, I was learning how to love and care for myself. However, there was still a lack of self-trust in my ability to love and care for myself that prevented me from owning my power to be my own healer and guide. I needed a mentor, someone I could trust, someone to be a mirror for my worth, lovability, and potential.
One of the most important lessons my mentor, Lena Franklin, has taught me is that we already have everything we need inside us, the knowledge, wisdom, and love; the work is unlearning our way back to it. This was the piece I was missing! Nothing was ever wrong with me; I never needed to learn how to love myself. The work was (and continues to be) unlearning that which stands in the way of remembering the love and care that is always there and has always been there. When I look back now at some of the darkest moments of my life, where I felt alone, unloved, unworthy, rejected, abandoned, I can see the love and care that I couldn't before.
Sometimes love and care look like being held by Mother Earth, the ground beneath us always there to support us. Sometimes it's a furry friend by our side providing comfort. Sometimes it's the felt presence of a loved one who's no longer physically with us or a sacred being, knowing that they are with us, protecting us. There is no separation between our capacity to love and care for others and the love and care we have for ourselves.
You are worthy of the same love and care you so easily give to others. Trust your heart. It knows the way. And as my mentor so wisely says:
“Love is always loving you!”
Self-Love Practice
One of my favorite practices for cultivating self-love is Metta, also known as loving-kindness. Metta is a meditation practice that helps us connect to love for ourselves and all beings. It also works to dissolve feelings and beliefs of unworthiness. Traditionally, the practice begins with sending love to ourselves first by using phrases of loving-kindness. Because some may find sending themselves love challenging and even triggering, this guided self-love metta meditation will ease you into self-love. First, you will be invited to receive love from someone who cares for you dearly, and then you will be invited to send love to a part of yourself that could use some extra care and attention. Finally, you will have the opportunity to feel what it is like to send yourself loving-kindness. As always, trust yourself and listen to your heart. You are your own best guide, when it comes to self-love, practicing Metta, and living your life with love and care!
My Favorite Books on Self-Love
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach, Ph.D.
If you're interested in learning more about these practices and how they can benefit you or if you want to deepen your current practice, I invite you to check out my services page.